ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE ……=E2=80=8F

You think English is easy? Look ho= w these words are used:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) Th= e farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to= refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture..

5) He could= lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his d= essert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thou= ght it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head = of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I d= id not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid= .

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were t= oo close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the = does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line= .

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wi= nd was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painti= ng I shed a tear..

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it - = English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hambur= ger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented = in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbr= eads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we = explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings= are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And = why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce an= d hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural = of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 in= dices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If= you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what= do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a ve= getarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think a= ll the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally i= nsane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? S= hip by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smel= l?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man an= d a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a la= nguage in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill = in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

E= nglish was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativit= y of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, w= hen the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they = are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn’t ‘Buick’ rhyme with ‘quick’ ?

You lovers= of the English language might enjoy this ..

There is a two-letter word th= at perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is ‘U= P.’

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of th= e list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting= , why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP = for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We cal= l UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver= ; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house a= nd some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real sp= ecial meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appe= tite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed U= P is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open U= P a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty= mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look t= he word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almos= t 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are = UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It = will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP = with a hundred or more When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.=

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets th= e earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for a while, thing= s dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is = UP, so…….it is time to shut UP! Now it’s UP to you what you do with thi= s info.